Back again from the breach dear friends, back again..

I’m sitting back again in my studio listening to the cars outside head to their jobs. In those cars are people who seemingly want to be taken to where those cars are heading. I toss a casual ear outside and wonder what it’s like to be them, I was them for a time anyways.

Once again I’ve come back from another neck surgury, another operation where they opened me up and took out another tumor. This tumor like all the others starts with a small pain, then builds and build until I can’t walk, sit or talk. I even found myself not wanting to watch any comedies as even laughing was something I had been avoiding.

So now what? I’ve been here before. There’s what I want to do and what I can do.

What I can do it to take the time I have before this tumor comes back and work to eat a better diet. Luck for me I had already started before I had to get another oporation. This time I can add walking back into the routing as soon as I get my legs back.. No matter what I’m able to do, it’s never enough. I know that sounds crazy to some poeple but it’s what I feel in my heart.

My Uncle Angel said in a post that I have my father’s strength and my mom’s stubborness . That’s a nice way of saying don’t give up, which I appreciate. I’m just getting tired of laying on that slap with a gas mask over me wondering if I’ll be the same person when I wake up. I still have so many things to do before my time is up, I just can’t get them all done by tomorrow, that’s life, that’s patients , that’s what’s so annoying about it all. My friend Jo from back in the day warned us all about the peril of instant gratification. How it will rob us of the splendor that comes with each day. That’s easy to forgot when you think you have an unlimited number of days left, not it seems more of a focus concept to me.

I don’t have a point to this post, just typing away hoping that something inspires me….maybe I should drink the coffee I had started before I started writing….yep all better.

Why is this challenge such a...challenge?

Evening Party People,

I was getting ready to put in some work with some meditation but then I remembered that I’ve done that for two days in a row, so according to the rules I set for myself I needed to either write or exercise. Seeing as I can’t exercise for another week or so, writing it is!

The first time I set a challenge for myself was years ago and the results were definitely noticeable. This time around they seem to be more subtle. The main thing that I’ve gotten out of this is a sense of accomplishment. For those of us adults , high school was the last time we had any expectations put upon us. So it’s kind of seeing an old friend again, I never knew I’d miss this so much.

I was going to add music to the list of options/challenges, the whole point of these was to force myself to spend time with my “artist”. Music has always been a touchy subject with me, certain things I’ve been naturally good at, music was not one of them. It took me along time to build the basic guitar skills that I had. Singing is super difficult for me as he first time I sang infant of people, it didn’t go well at all, that sting has stuck with me since high school. Now with my medical diagnosis I realize that I still have a few songs to finish before it’s my time.

That doesn’t mean I need to finish these songs by next week or anything, I feel great these days, I just know that I don’t have an infinite number of days in front of me like I used to that I had. I mention this because I picked up my guitar today, it had been months not a year since I last held it. My hands are dealing with a lot of numbness due to the tumor on the spinal cord. It made me sad because it felt like the first time I held any guitar as a child, I knew I could do something with it but what I wanted and where I was were years apart. It felt that way again today. I’m not giving up, but I’d be a liar if I said this wasn’t effecting me. So the plan it to spend a small amount off time every day with my guitar so I can build up callouses again. I’m also going to learn some basic chords on my keyboard. If I can remember to work on some vocal technique I might even attempt a music open mic in the next year.

I’m not sure I can do it but I know this hole in me won’t go away by just wishing on it.

Till next time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin’