For as long as I’ve been tryin not to be a douche, you think I would have been writing at Starbucks more than I have in my life. I have to admit,it feels nice in here, maybe it’s all the wood? It sounds lame but if you were to have the choice of writing in a trailer with Florence t lighting or a well lit room with wood floors and a fireplace, I think you’d get farther in choice B.
So this is day 4 of the DisJointed Challenge. I spent the first 2 days working on meditation. I would have done it three days in a row but the rules are that I can’t repeat a challenge for more than two days. This keeps me from avoiding a challenge. To be honest (as opposed to lying my ass off to you all) so far I’ve found that my mind has a lot of static in it, if you’ve never tried to meditate before I’ve give you the basic rundown.
Find a place that’s quiet, if you were going to play music, try and keep the volume low so it doesn’t become the main focus. Focus on your breathing and try not to think about anything, I mean ANYTHING. If you’re like me, random thoughts will constantly invade your brain and try to hijack the session. I’m not sure what right or wrong about how I’m doing this but if I can keep my mind quiet for a minute, I find that my life seems less bleak. It sets my perspective at a different angle so to speak. If you’re going through some shit in your own life, you know how hopeless it can feel. A lot of my anger and rage comes from feeling hopeless or weak. Once I get a new way of looking at it all I feel less helpless, like I have another tool to work on the problem. If you’ve never done this I recommend it, let me know how it effected you.
Mental health is a landline of a topic.Many agree that it’s a serious issue that few people want to actually fix or address. What makes it tough is the need for compassion for people that I don’t care for. That’s another big issue, people who don’t want to come off as being heartless tends to be more of a hindrance than help.
Feelings aren’t a static thing, they area choice that we have to make when the question comes into our mind. Meaning if you don’t like someone or day I say hate someone. You don’t hate that person for all eternity, you have o choose to hate them when you think of them. Many of us forget that. As for me, I hate having to admit that there was someone that I don’t like, I feel like a villain, like the “Bad” person, the enemy. So many people that I see let that fear dictate the choices they make, once that happens, we are no longer in the driver seat of our lives. at the very least we let a noisey backseat driver in. For me I have to admit that there is or was hate in my heart for a person, then I have t ask why I felt that way. Was it something they said? Perhaps I was projecting my own shit on another person and I saw something in them that I can’ stand about myself. More often than notI’ll be able to make a choice not to hate that person anymore. I’m not sure if that’s the right way to go but it’s been working for me so far.
Speaking of mental health, I saw an old friend fro ay back talk about a negative experience from their first boyfriend . The jerk had said something negative that is still effecting them to this day. It’s a sad thing to be sure, they part that was upsetting was that I’m 98% sure that I was their first boyfriend. Now did I say what they sad I did? I don’t think so, meaning I have no memory of saying that but then again, I don’t remember every dumb thing I said as a teenager.
I’d write more about this but I need to get ready for a doctors appointment for my next surgery to get more cancer out of my neck. I have to admit, this has been helpful,writing in a coffee shop and all. If I don’t talk to you all for awhile, let me say this to anyone who has every hurt me, thank you. Thank you for being a part of my life, thank you for being a part of a life that I truly love. I’ve never been anything close to a perfect man, I’m super flawed in many areas but I’m also super great at others. I’ve learned so much in this life and I can’t help but smile when I think about it. There was an ex girlfriend named Erin that really did a number on me. Well I shouldn’t say her, the relationship of he and I was not a good thing to put nicely. She was a person that I held a lot of resentment for years. A song called Foundations by Kate Nash put the idea in my head that maybe she was just as powerless to her choices as I was at that time in our lives, that maybe she was caught up in the inertia of her past that dictated what she did,said, and felt. Perhaps she wasn’t some evil force sent to hurt me but half of a couple who had no business being in a relationship.Once I looked at that time in my life like that, I didn’t hate her anymore, I felt compassion for someone who was hurting as much as I was, at that moment she wasn’t an ex, she was a person again.
I wrote her a message via FB telling her about the epiphany, I apologized for my part in the relationship and wished her the best. a year later she responded and wished me the same. I grew from that whole experience, I hope you all find a peace that works for you as well.
Till next time Party People, keep on a chooglin!