Time after Time

Howdy Party People,

It’s been a bit since I last wrote to you. Sorry about that, it’s been a battle over the past few months for sure. I’ve another surgery on my neck and unlike the past surgery, my body hasn’t snapped back the way it has done in the past. I’m progressing though, everyday gets a little bit better.

The medication I’m on has been tough in the way of fatigue but the better my diet and my supplements are, the better I feel. I’m lucky that I have a path to feel better, it’s been a great tool when fighting the depression that comes with chemo treatments.

Speaking of which, I was getting an infusion yesterday, it was back in the same building I got my diagnosis, the same place where they told me I had 3-5 years to live, that’s a thought I get about a half second to forget everyday I wake up, that’s before the same thought hits me, I’m going to die. Then I go through my blessings one by one, from my wife to all my family and friends. It gives me the strength to get out of bed. Then I think of all the troubles I’ve been though in my life, all the obstacles I over came (most were ones I put in front of me if I’m honest) and I take comfort that all those troubles have given me the tools I need to fight this.

A thought I’ve had for a bit is the idea that I’m waiting for this cancer to go in remission before I start a new phase of my life. That’s a dangerous mindset as it always puts the energy of any change to be waiting in the future so it never has to deal with the present. I was on the phone with Jennie so she could be part of the doctor visit and I asked her about that day. I wondered if I hadn’t had the broken neck and never started this therapy, how would I feel?

Her answer was that I most likely would have been dead already. I agreed that had we not caught this , my organs would have failed already. That’s a sobering thought. That while this fight is nowhere being done, the version of me who didn’t have a broken neck, in some other dimension , he’s gone already.

It’s then I realized where I was in time, I’m one of the versions of me that is still fighting, still living, and through all the bullshit, I’m still loving. Not just for my family, but for everything. As an artist I’ve always felt that it’s our job to express what we feel in our hearts to the world. For good or ill, I want to express the way my heart feels when I look at life. I don’t have a lock on anything mind you, but there has to be a reason I feel the way I do, and I want to share it with as many people who are wanting or willing to hear it.

Till next time Party People

Keep on a Chooglin!

I'm a Master "First Step" Taker

Evening Party People,

Yes I’m a master at attacking that scary first step, need help on a step? As long as it’s only the first one, everything after that is a crap shoot. My cousin would say I have ADHD, he might be right but then again he’s says that about everything. I could tell him that I haven’t taken a shit in two days and he’ll find a way to blame that on ADHD. It might be seen as annoying but at this point I’m so impressed by his ability to turn anything into a ad for adderol that I’m considering skipping the doctor’s assessment and just go straight to meth.

Today I pulled out my electric guitar and amp. I’ve had this guitar for years. I got it way back in the day when I wanted to be a songwriter/singer. I had a lot of emotion inside me and while songwriting was a painful endevor, I thought it might make for a decent addition to the world’s art. It was around that time I also started my stand-up journey. I’m sure you guessed it but I decided to focus on stand-up and music took a back seat. So why did I take out the guitar again?

One of the issues I’ve had to deal with with my cancer treatment is the neuropathy . Which means that I’ve lost the feeling in my fingertips as well as some of my dexterity . I was never anything more than an amateur when it came to playing the guitar but now even that’s gone. For those of you who know me, I’m not the kind of person to sit and cry about all of this. Don’t get me wrong, I totally cried while sitting about this but I’m going to find a way to move forward.

So tonight I plugged into the amp, adjusted the gain and such and hit an E chord…which sounded like shit. I forgot in the time I haven’t been playing the guitar that my fingertips are soft now and without callouses it makes for clumsy playing. I know if I stay with it for about a week my fingertips will harden so I’m not worried about that. What I am worried about is giving up again.

Yeah I said it. Mr.Artsy/Brooding/Jokey guy is afraid I’m going to stop moving forward, stop evolving, or just find out that I was wrong about everything I thought I could be. Let’s put this fear out into the world so it stops shining in the back of my mind. “I’m afraid that when it comes to my dreams and ability that I will fall short. I’m afraid I have no talent, that I’m not good enough. I’m afraid I’m not a good actor, or writer, or comic. I’m afraid that I’m so delusional about what I can do and be that all my loved ones just don’t have the heart to tell me that it’s just not meant to be.”

This fear has been with me so long that it’s hard to think of myself without it. It’s almost comforting in a sad co-dependent sort of way. Like watching a friend suffer in a bad relationship. You want to help them but you know that it’s up to them to make that first step and live a life that’s alien to them. It might work out, it might not, but you know if you push them towards it, they’ll hate you till the end of time. Well I don’t hate me, not anymore. I’ve put in the work and I know I’m not worthless. I will say that at this point in my life, “not” kicking my own ass isn’t enough.

If you’ve never tried to learn how to play an instrument one of the things that you’d have to learn is how to be forgiving of yourself. You’re hands will not be able to make the correct chords, your voice will not be on the correct pitch and the song you’ll write will need many rewrites. That’s all ok, it’s part of the process. I wish I had known that when it came to relationships and finding out who and what my voice is. Now a days I feel I need to focus on moving forward because I might not have 20 years ahead of me to hope I figure it out.

This past week was another chemo infusion. I didn’t have horrible side effects but I did suffer massive fatigue . Like just getting up to go to the bathroom was enough to wipe out any energy I had. I choose not to beat myself up over it, mainly because I was too tired (rimshot).Now I think I have a better idea of what the plan will be for next week. I have a better idea of what foods to eat and I even have a better idea of what I want to do on the next mic. So worry not Party People, Uncle Dave has a good idea on how to take those all important second and third steps on the path to glory .

Till next time Party People,

Keep on a Chooglin’