Howdy Party People,
It’s been a bit since I last wrote to you. Sorry about that, it’s been a battle over the past few months for sure. I’ve another surgery on my neck and unlike the past surgery, my body hasn’t snapped back the way it has done in the past. I’m progressing though, everyday gets a little bit better.
The medication I’m on has been tough in the way of fatigue but the better my diet and my supplements are, the better I feel. I’m lucky that I have a path to feel better, it’s been a great tool when fighting the depression that comes with chemo treatments.
Speaking of which, I was getting an infusion yesterday, it was back in the same building I got my diagnosis, the same place where they told me I had 3-5 years to live, that’s a thought I get about a half second to forget everyday I wake up, that’s before the same thought hits me, I’m going to die. Then I go through my blessings one by one, from my wife to all my family and friends. It gives me the strength to get out of bed. Then I think of all the troubles I’ve been though in my life, all the obstacles I over came (most were ones I put in front of me if I’m honest) and I take comfort that all those troubles have given me the tools I need to fight this.
A thought I’ve had for a bit is the idea that I’m waiting for this cancer to go in remission before I start a new phase of my life. That’s a dangerous mindset as it always puts the energy of any change to be waiting in the future so it never has to deal with the present. I was on the phone with Jennie so she could be part of the doctor visit and I asked her about that day. I wondered if I hadn’t had the broken neck and never started this therapy, how would I feel?
Her answer was that I most likely would have been dead already. I agreed that had we not caught this , my organs would have failed already. That’s a sobering thought. That while this fight is nowhere being done, the version of me who didn’t have a broken neck, in some other dimension , he’s gone already.
It’s then I realized where I was in time, I’m one of the versions of me that is still fighting, still living, and through all the bullshit, I’m still loving. Not just for my family, but for everything. As an artist I’ve always felt that it’s our job to express what we feel in our hearts to the world. For good or ill, I want to express the way my heart feels when I look at life. I don’t have a lock on anything mind you, but there has to be a reason I feel the way I do, and I want to share it with as many people who are wanting or willing to hear it.
Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!