Morning Party People!
Ok yes it is my birthday, I don’t expect the world to stop for me but then again I might. Ego does strange things to people, makes tyrants out of heroes, monsters out of men, and divas out of….well divas now that I think about it.
So for anyone who has followed any of my posts you’ll know about my cancer, my non-ability to work, as well as a slightly troubling interest in the show Derry Girls, mostly about Nichola Coughlin and Siobhan McSweeney. You might also know about how so many men in my family checkout around 52 years of age. Today I turn 47, a I write this tears are filling my eyes, I don’t know why. Perhaps its anger, perhaps its denial, or any of the emotions when it comes to grief. Then again I am listening to The National, so that might be it too. I get emotional these days, which sucks because there have been so many times I’ve show my emotions to so many of the wrong people that it was always a precursor to things ending. y wife has told me many times that she isn’t going anywhere, another thing I’m not sure I deserve, only tis one is a good thing.
Isn’5t that just how life goes though? A series of events both good or bad that we’re not sure we should be a part of. The truth either way can be hard to take, especially the good things. Why is that?
Seriously , why? I’ve spent me whole life hoping to be loved by as many people as possible and when you all came together to help out Jennie3 and I, the first thing that came to mind is,”Idon’t deserve this.” I quickly started thinking of new bits to work on, I had to be the comic, friend, or man that I think everyone else sees in me.
Love is such a weird emotion, it’s something we all crave. No other emotion is like that, so wonderful yet it can be so destructive, much like meth I guess. I’ve never done meth but I have been on Love, I wonder what I would be like on Meth in my 20’s as opposed to Love? I think even if I was on meth, I’d be much easier to hang out with, at the very least you would’ve been able to play The Cure around me without me bursting into tears .
Ok so it’s my birthday, if things go poorly, if I give up on life as well as myself, today starts the 5 years countdown of my “exit stage left”. Hence the reason I feel conflicted about today, it’s more of a choice than it is a birthday. How you going to handle this one Dave? Is it 5 years or do you have more? No mater if it’s 5 years or more, how you going to live your life?Isn’t that the main question though? How do we want to live?
That’s what goes through my mind most days. How am I going to make money?How am I going to be a husband? How am I going to be an artist? If this year has shown me anything, it’s that no one can live their whole life in a day. Meaning that all many of us can do is live the life thats in front of us, what can I do today?
I can go to a mic that serves kombucha, I can clean the house, I can do the dishes, I can write (Off to a good start!),I can connect with people who love me, hell I could connect with anyone! I can only get the most out of my life as it comes to me, I can’t live the ;last few years of my life today, only what’s in front of me.
Speaking of which, I need to get this day started! Lets see what I can get out of this day shall we?